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yeah, so about my last post... fast-forward two weeks. school is kinda depressing. i'm studying for hours and hours on end, yet i still manage to FAIL (and i'm not exaggerating) all my quizzes in calculus. the sad thing is: i feel like i understand the concepts but i'm still getting thrown off by all the crap questions that require you to memorize the definitions of stupid tests and theorems word-for-word. seriously? if i wanted to be a literature or writing major i'd understand.

and my materials class... holy pi, put me out of my misery. so in lecture we're taught about materials, their properties, and various chemicals' melting points, etc. okay, fine. but then we get this crystallography worksheet to finish by the following week. mind you, this is no busy-work ditto, this is the mother of all worksheets and it deals with the craziest geometrical/mathematical questions i have EVER seen, oh and a mere 12 pages of it. what?! we don't even ponder examples of these questions in lecture.

for this worksheet we were put in groups of two and i feel like the biggest slacker/freeloader ever. i'm usually the one getting the most done in groups and spending a lot of my time just irritated that my partner isn't pulling their end of the weight. okay, after talking myself up there... i want to now throw it out there that i am so awful about getting my end of the work done. to be honest, just reading the problem stresses me out because i don't even know how to go about approaching the problem. my partner surely hates me academically. i feel so screwed over in life right now. bah!

i thought God really put it on my heart to pursue math and science since i really like it. correction: used to really like it. not a whole lot of students actually enjoy math and stuff. so since i did, i figured it was an indication that i should be majoring in something related.

during church today, all of my feelings of self-doubt and uncertainty in school were brought to the surface as i had a mini mental breakdown in my head. our world is so broken and is deprived of adequate love in so many places. i feel like what i'm studying right now doesn't help any of it.

when i graduated from high school my mom told me, "i don't care what you decide to major in as long as you're helping people." so i started out in Graphic Design, then when i decided that increasing my development of carpal tunnel wasn't worth the major, i switched to Marketing. then i thought about what mom said and realized i was kinda going in the wrong direction as the vast majority of Marketing is dedicated to convincing consumers to spend their money and time on things they don't need. not really helping anyone there.

alrighty, so i did a job-shadow with my neighbor and decided that i would become a nurse anesthetist. after studying nursing for a year, i became aware that the area's nursing schools have about 800-1000 students applying and except about 20%. some students spend a couple years just getting in! i'm not a patient person and i like to see myself moving to my goals, therefore, decided that i can figure out a major that i'm passionate about and can see myself progressing towards. and that's when i decided on engineering.

i'm not considering a major change (or at least won't admit to it), but i am having second thoughts. i need some good heart-to-hearts. so confused right now. boooo to confusion!

the words "never underestimate my Jesus" are being sung in the background right now. out of the 2,576 songs on my itunes, the shuffle feature lands on this? fantastic. "i throw up my hands, all the impossibilities. frustrated and tired, where do i go from here? now i'm searching for the confidence i've lost so willingly. overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears." oh, the irony!