Thursday, December 20, 2007

okay

recently, i've been lost in my own thoughts. just wondering why my God that loves me so much and wants prosperity for me would refuse me certain good-intentioned desires. and i hate using the word "desire" because, in my mind, that word can have a sinful connotation to it... as in something that i shouldn't be wanting--but i feel like they're things i should be wanting.

so i dusted off the journal, grabbed a pen, and just let my journal have it. i started grilling God. rattling off every question i could think of. i pressed hard, really hard, with my ballpoint as i got to my more frustrating questions, almost tearing through the paper as i underlined key words and phrases.

i finished with one question left in my head that i was too afraid to write down. too afraid to ask because i already knew the answer.

my hand was hurting so i thought i'd take a break from my verbose cagematch and check out this week's postsecret. i began reading through the weekly dosage of heartbreak and then came across this secret.

the author of this secret most likely didn't mean for me to interpret it this way, but i did. but here's my last couple journaling sentences: I plan on telling people about Jesus and what he did for us, but right now they're just plans. But about why I'm here... it's not to plan on telling people, but to tell people. I think I'm going to start now; I'm done planning. Mark 16:15.



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Listening to: Elton John - Philadelphia Freedom

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm learning that sometimes God's answer isn't necessarily "no" but rather, "wait". His time is a huge part of His plan for you. In the mean time, measure your desires by scripture, if what you want contradicts that...but if it doesn't, you know your desires are from Him. When they're from Him and you don't get them (yet), you have a chance to persevere and hope. When things are ugly and uncertain, faith can finally come into play. ;)

Keep on keepin' on sistah, it's awesome to watch you grow!

Psalm 145:19
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them.